Katie was finding it harder and harder to breathe through her nose.   The bleach was making her eyes water and she could already feel a few drops fall past her uvula and down into her throat.   The others had long stopped moving.   She wasn't worried they would find out she hadn't swallowed.   No, the truth of the matter was, she hadn't quite made up her mind.

            It made so much sense just six months ago.   Hell, it made sense six minutes ago.   It makes sense now...kind of.   A Bridge to the Beyond, he had called it, a Path Towards Eternity.   But, who the hell wanted Eternity?   Katie did...does.   She believed him, in him, in it, the Unveiling of the Unconscious.   She was the first, too.   That's got to count for something, right?   That's got to mean something.   That she's special, that she's right. "You are special," he had told her.

"I am special" she had believed.

            It just made sense, pure and simple.   She believed in it so much, that she helped "awaken" others.   Her brother, Michael, was the first.   Not the first to believe, no that honor would forever be Katie's.   He was the first to follow.   Not much of a challenge really.   Michael always adored and admired his big sister, even when she would set him up for her own amusement.   Just big sister stuff, like the time she handed him a glass of rotten milk and said "Drink this."   He did, gladly.   How she laughed when he didn't make it to the sink and ended up puking on the kitchen floor.   She still teases him about it.  

            She had still teased him about it.   Michael would never be teased again.   Michael lay peacefully on his Mat of Ascension, his eyes wide open, staring blankly up at the ceiling.   Maybe he's tracing the patterns painted in green and brown.   Forms of Fools they were called, the thirteen husks one must travel through before realizing the Lightness of Being.   Michael's eyes didn't move.   He was not tracing the patterns.

"Drink this", she had said.  

Drink it he did.   Michael was now with his Kin.   Michael would be part of the Unconditional One.

            Katie could smell the bleach from within her mouth.   It burned through her nostrils like hot wasabi.   She could feel the snot melt.   Soon it would run down her nose and onto her upper lip.   It would teeter at the edge of her mouth tickling the faint baby hairs still remaining under the bridge of her nose.   The urge to sniffle would be too great, her sleeves too short.

"Why don't I just spit it out?" she asked herself.

            Why, indeed.   Because, what if he's right?   After all, it just makes sense.   All of it.   Hell, the only reason she hadn't swallowed it immediately was because she wanted to see if he would drink as well...and he did.   She half expected him to wake up.   He would slowly rise from his Mat of Ascension, survey his flock, still as a frozen lake, and walk quietly out of the Temple.   But he didn't.   He wasn't going to, either.   He, like Michael, little Mikey, was staring up at the ceiling.   So, was it real?   Of course it was real.   Real and true, every single word.

"So, what's the problem?"

            Katie had exhausted her options.   She could either force her body to act against its primal instinct and swallow the Tool of Transformation, or she could not.   What's the big fucking deal?

"I'm afraid."

            So was Michael and he drank it. Katie told him to and he did.   He was afraid.   He was crying, though he didn't let Katie see.   She believed, and she had shown him how to believe.   If she had seen him crying she would've made fun of him.   She still teases him about the milk incident.   Had ...had teased him.   Michael was going to a perfect place, where no one would ever tease him.   Where people loved each other, women and men, even men and men.   It would be perfect.   He would be perfect, forever.

            Katie struggled to get up.   She was weak from the fast.  

"The body must be willing to let go," he told them.    A two-week fast would help the flesh become bone, and the bone is no match for the spirit.  

She stepped over Lucy, then Jason, then Adam, and knelt down next to Michael's body.   Any other time and she would have found this visual quite amusing.   There she was wearing a makeshift smock, squatting next to her little brother with her cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk.   Had this been summer camp, she would have spit the liquid into his ear and watched him wake up soaked and embarrassed. Ha, ha.

            She reached a hand out and covered his eyes.   She didn't shut them.   That was not her right.   The Self fled the Flesh through the eyes.   The blackness of the pupils matched the blackness of the Void.   "That which is, is not."  

She would not deny him that.   But she didn't want him to see her right now.   Not because she looked ridiculous, but because she was ashamed.   She was ashamed of her fear, and could not bear her brother to see her like this.   He had looked up to her for so long, that she could not allow him now to look up at her.

            Katie felt she was ready to make a decision.   The gag reflex could hold out for so long and, again, it was getting harder and harder for her to breath through her nose.  
"I'm going to spit it out."

            Good for you, Katie.   But wait, what's that on Michael's face?   Is that...a smile?   Yes, Michael was smiling.   Not a big, goofy grin, no, but a warm inviting smile.   The kind that when given to a stranger elicits one in return.   He looked happy.   How could that be?   She looked at Adam, then Jason, then Lucy, they were all smiling.   They all seemed at peace.   They were all happy.  

            Now it was Katie's turn to cry.   Had she missed it?   Was this her opportunity, and had she blown it?   This time, the snot really did come pouring down her nose.   Sleeves or not she wiped her face clean.   Her arm hair would soon bear the crispness of dried snot and tears.   She fought the urge to sniffle.   To draw it all back into her nose and down to her mouth.   Her mouth, full of bleach, crushed Vicatins, and cranberry juice.   Not the best tasting stuff, but after two weeks without food and only enough water to keep you alive, the stomach would accept anything...it's the rest of the body that might object.  

            Katie's heart began to beat faster.    It's time to choose.   This world, with its pain and its suffering, all needless, all in generous amounts, or make the Rise to Redemption.   She could join the others as part of the Stream.

"That which is, is not.   That which was, will never be."

The words didn't ring hollow then, and they don't now.   It's real, all of it.   Everything he had said was real and true.   The Universe awaits you Katie, don't leave it hanging.

            If she's going to do this, she'll do it right.   Katie carefully stepped back over Adam's body, then Jason's, then Lucy's and returned to her Mat of Ascension.   She lay down and stared up the Form of Fools.   Number seven; Mother.   She opened her eyes wide, took a deep breath, and swallowed hard.